Horror Express

Rating: R

Run Time: 88 minutes

Director: Eugenio Martin

Starring: Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Telly Savalas

 

Horror Express – ah yes, another horror movie I remember from my childhood.  Not until recently did I see the entire thing, but snippets of visual imagery I certainly remember: the red, glowing eyes of the monster; the blank, white eyes of its victims; the red fingernail polish under the eyes, nose, and mouth of each victim (this is what passes for blood, but it sure as hell looks like polish applied with a fingernail brush). 

Two English scientists, a Russian count and countess, a crazy-ass Eastern Orthodox priest, a mentally deranged Cossack, and a monster that looks like a piece of shit.  No, I’m not talking about the design or construction of the monster costume.  I mean the monster looks like it was literally made out of shit…a shit monster, if you will.  Now I didn’t start to envision it that way until after I saw the movie, so I guess I spoiled it for you.  But don’t let this dissuade you from seeing Horror Express, because it’s a pretty good and even suspenseful B-movie.  And, despite the fact that the monster looks like absolutely the world’s largest bowel movement fully formed in the shape of a man, it is otherwise a genuinely frightening creature.  But then again, who wants to die at the hands of a biped composed of animate fecal matter?; in that sense, a shit monster might legitimately be considered a genuinely frightening creature – it might even scare the living shit out of you...sorry.  Still, while I stand by my assessment that the creature is scary, the scariest piece of shit you are ever likely to see, there is no denying that is most resembles a giant turd.    

When we first see the Turd Who Walks, he is frozen solid in a block of ice in a cave in Manchuria, where he is discovered by Professor Alexander Saxton (the great Christopher Lee).  Saxton believes he may have found the missing link in this two million year-old creature, which looks like nothing I’ve ever seen before (well, again, that’s not entirely true,  but I want to try to move away from that image).  Lee, in voiceover narration, dictates a letter to the Royal Geological Society, where he explains that the expedition in Manchuria ended in tragedy.  And then we never hear another fucking word about it.

Or are we supposed to assume the expedition includes the transport across Siberia from China to Moscow, which occurs during the train ride that consumes the rest of the movie’s running time?  The expedition in Manchuria doesn’t end in tragedy as far as we can see.  The shit that could be described as tragic doesn’t start to hit the fan until just before the train ride.  Which is a fucking train ride, not an expedition.  He should have said, the Trans-Siberian Express train ride ended in tragedy.  Whatever…

But before we even hear Lee or see the scene in the ice in Siberia, we hear the theme song over the opening credits.  The theme song sounds like an eerier version of something Ennio Morricone might have written for one of Sergio Leone’s spaghetti westerns.  The interesting thing about this theme is the fact that you will hear more than one person either play or whistle the theme during the movie.  That doesn’t make a damn bit of sense to me.  Not only that, they whistle or play it as if it had some sort of intrinsic significance to the plot of the movie itself.  That also doesn’t make a damn bit of sense.  Is this the monster’s mantra?  Maybe… 

Well, no sooner is the thing all crated upon and ready for shipment via train, than it kills a thief right there in the train terminal.  He gets the white eye-fingernail polish treatment, too.  Everybody makes a fuss and then a wildly overacting Alberto de Mendoza, playing Father Pujardov, the Eastern Orthodox priest (and the personal family priest of the Russian couple), starts spouting off about evil and Satan and how the thing in the crate is evil and satanic.  Man, he is sooo adamant, I think we’re talking Eeeviiil with a capital E here. He makes a cross on the ground with a piece of chalk and then tries to do the same on the crate, but it doesn’t adhere.  Later, this will be pointed out to Prof. Saxton (I mean the fact that the chalk could not write on the box) as evidence of its evil nature.  He poo-poos this and says there could be a reasonable explanation for the chalk not appearing.  Hell, yeah, there is, and it’s called, “Maybe the priest was faking it and didn’t really touch the chalk to the crate!”

Anyway before all this, Saxton meets up with a Dr. Wells (played by the incomparable Peter Cushing), for whom it is clear he feels a bit of antipathy initially.  Well, everybody gets loaded up and off we go on the Trans-Siberian Express!  The crate with the shit monster in it gets loaded up and Dr. Wells bribes one of the attendants to sneak a peak in there because Professor Saxton is being quite coy about its contents.  Uh-oh…as we all know, that spells doom for the poor attendant, who also gets the “white eye, blood from the orifices hoo-doo” from the monster’s glowing red eyes.

The next thing we know, the attendant is missing and the detective aboard orders Prof. Saxton to open the crate.  So, what does he do?  By God, he throws the key out the window.  Well, there’s only a fucking padlock and a chain on the damned thing to begin with, so the detective, in grand, “Oh yeah, asshole, I’ll show you!” fashion, simply orders one of the other attendants to take an axe to the lock.  Except inside the crate is the missing attendant, but no shit monster. 

It is right around this time that someone, I don’t remember who, asks Prof. Saxton if he thinks it’s his shit monster running around killing everyone.  He says yes.  What?  Let’s think about this a minute.  At this early a juncture, wouldn’t it be much more likely that someone else killed the attendant and stole the shit monster because he thought it might be valuable than to believe that a two million year-old stool sample has suddenly come to life and is walking the earth again?  Oh, well.          

Next up, the monster kills a mysterious woman with a past (the folks aboard are caricatures out of Murder on the Orient Express; in fact, we could call this movie by that title).  You will remember her as the woman who petitioned for help from Dr. Wells earlier in the movie.  The monster sneaks up and puts a bear hug on her and gives her the stare of deathly horror, whereupon she, too, dies of the white-eyed heeby-jeebies.  When he catches her, she is trying to steal something from a safe in the hold where the goodies are stored. 

Someone later tells the train detective (I don’t remember his name) that the victim was a spy.  And he knows this, how?  Anyway, the detective answers, “Yes, I know.”  Well, Mr. fucking Train Detective, if you knew that, why didn’t you do something about it earlier?  Exasperating, man.

Right after the spy’s murder, Dr. Wells is snooping around (he’s a nosy old bastard) in the hold and gets his arm grabbed by the monster.  Thankfully the detective is there in time to shoot the shit (sorry)…shoot the monster, that is.  Now, you wouldn’t really think bullets could harm organic waste matter, but thank God it does.  No more shit monster. 

Wells and Saxton team up at this point to try to figure out what the hell is going on.  They put some of the viscous fluid from the monster’s eye under a microscope and see some incredible images of dinosaurs and other exotic objects, including a view of the earth from space.  It turns out we’re dealing with an ancient alien here, whose eyes are the windows not of its soul, I think, but which are the seat of its intellect.  I don’t think it necessary to divulge any more of the plot, for to do so will only ruin the rest of the movie.  But, let me say this: you will miss the shit monster. 

I’ve made fun of the film, but it’s really a lot of fun and it’s well-made, given what I’m sure was a limited budget.  The monster is actually really creepy scary…he’s bigger than shit, too…I can’t help myself.  It’s well-acted by everyone, even de Mendoza and Telly Savalas, whose overacting is so bombastic as to add more than it detracts from the action.  The alien idea and the theme involving eyes is very interesting, too.  It’s similar in some key respects to Carpenter’s The Thing, (closer to the source novella, “Who Goes There?” than the Nyby/Hawks original from 1951).  I wonder if the screenwriters and the man responsible for the original idea were familiar with James Campbell’s work.

I will admit that nostalgia strengthens my affection for movies I might otherwise not be too fond of.  I love all of the Hammer Dracula films equally, largely because they all have Chris Lee in them.  I can’t bring myself to find much fault with the Universal creature features of the 30s & 40s, even when they changed from prestige pics to B-movie fare.  So my memories of those glaring eyes, red as coal, informs my opinion of its value after all these years.  As I age and begin to feel more insistently the pull of the way I remember the events of my past, I cling even more to these cheesy old horror movies that formed a part of it.  I cannot help myself.     

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I have read a story concerning how Christopher Lee encouraged Cushing to commit to the film that, if true, is a poignant one.  Filming began as Cushing was still grieving the loss of his wife to cancer, a shattering blow to the actor.  I’ve read elsewhere about the astonishingly visible transformation his appearance underwent in the time between the last two Hammer Dracula pictures; I had honestly not noticed.  Always an extremely thin man, he became emaciated.  I guess I had noticed without knowing what to attribute it to; I’m sorry that it was grief.

The Horror Inkwell Rating: 6/10   

                        

Shutter (2004)

Rating: NR

Run Time: 97 minutes

Directors: Banjong Pisanthanakun, Parkpoom Wongpoom

Starring: Ananda Everingham, Natthaweeranuch Thongmee, Achita Sikamana

Similar content and themes arise again and again in Asian horror films, or, at least the ones I’ve seen, in a similar fashion to, but probably not as shitty as, how identical themes are mined again and again in the old 80s North American slasher flicks.  There is almost always a vengeful ghost hanging around, and more often than not that ghost is a female with a pasty white face, dripping black, wet hair like she just got out of a supernatural ectoplasmic shower, wearing a white gown.  The ghost usually seems to have an agenda of sorts, although sometimes the recipients of her paranormal stalking didn't do a damned thing to deserve her malefactory attentions.  Asian filmmakers must be fatalists.

Occasionally, the ghost will instead be a little boy or girl, with dripping wet hair like he or she just got out of a supernatural ectoplasmic shower, and a white diaper (unless it’s a girl).  Sometimes, the kid and the adult ghost will tag-team someone.  Whoever that is usually doesn't last too long.  Next, the protagonists will learn about the tragic story of the specific ghost who plagues them, or, they will discover from some sort of expert (or some sort of quack who thinks he’s an expert) on the supernatural that shit like this surrounds us constantly and we just don't know it; either way, they will be encouraged to try to identify what exactly it is the ghost wants before it's too late (unfortunately it's always too late anyway).  The task of discerning the ghost’s purpose is usually an exercise in absolutely pointless futility, because, as is the case with spectral visitors since time immemorial and regardless of what country they reside in, they’re in it, in one form or another, for one thing: fucking revenge!

Anyway, you apparently cannot appease these restless spirits, but our protagonists will certainly do their best to try.  They will uncover the ghost’s terrible and tragic back story and then find a way to give the ghost peace (an exorcism, a cremation, maybe pay off their back taxes or take them for an ice cream cone).  And after that’s done and we all think everything is just fine again and order and balance have been restored to the world (unless, that is, we've seen enough of these, in which event we know the protagonists are fucked), our poor good guys and gals find out at the end of the movie they've succumbed to the old supernatural dupe twist ending because the ghost is going to get them anyway.  See what I mean about Asian fatalism? 

I've seen a few of these and I could not, if challenged, recall too many of the titles.  These movies are generally pretty good, even considering the striking similarities among most all of them.  They deliver on the creepy vibe and they provide their fair share of jump scares.  Shutter is such a movie.  It also has a satisfying enough story and a very interesting conclusion in the form of its last visual image.

Shutter is the story of the couple, Tun and Jane…and Natre, but we’ll get to that later.  At the film’s beginning the two are having drinks with Tun’s friends.  He is a photographer and I don’t really know what she does.  They are driving home from this little get-together when Jane, distracted, runs into a pedestrian crossing the street, causing her to lose control and slide into the side of the road.  Jane wants to check on the victim, who appears to be female.  Tun will have none of that; he insists she drive away.  Tun is pretty much an absolute prick.

Our next scene is a graduation; Tun is photographing this event.  He and others are taking photos of the entire graduating class grouped on a grandstand when he spots a ghostly white face among the students; the ghost is female (and dammit if it doesn’t look like she’s got wet hair).  First unnerved, he initially shrugs this bizarre sight off.  When he later has these photos developed, however, there is a ghostly haze drifting across many of the shots.  And it’s not the developer’s fault; the ghostly blur is on the negatives, too.

When we next see Tun and Jane together, it is clear that she is plagued with doubt and guilt for not having stopped to assist the girl they hit.  Tun himself seems to have moved on.  Like I said, Tun is a prick.  They investigate the accident site, however, and learn that there was no report of anyone injured or killed during the accident.  Tun himself, however, is experiencing severe back and neck pain and strain, seemingly as a result of the collision.  He visits the doctor.  The nurse who weighs him is startled when the scale registers far more weight than should be the case.  I don’t trust those things at all, though.  Those scales consistently show me to weigh about eighty pounds more than I know I do.  He is also still being visited by the ghost, who is the same as the girl who Jane believes she hit.

What’s worse, soon the ghostly apparitions begin to appear not just to Tun, but to Jane as well.  The two visit a business that specializes in recreating photos with ghostly images in them.  Quite a few are faked, but there are some, including polaroids, that appear to be genuine.  The proprietor tells them that ghosts often try to communicate with the living because they need help or want something.  Tun is unconvinced, but Jane has become a believer.  She does a little digging of her own and identifies the girl as being Natre, who was a student at the same time Tun attended university.  Not only that, but she finds a photograph that show Tun and Natre as a couple.  Did he, who has been seeing these same images of Natre as Jane, think to tell her?  No.  Tun is a ginormous prick.

The remainder of the movie details the further unraveling of the mysterious circumstances behind Natre’s death, as Tun and Jane try to do what they can to make certain the poor girl’s spirit finds rest.  This effort is less than successful.  Before it is over with, three of Tun’s friends have committed suicide by jumping off buildings.  He is convinced Natre is coming for him next, although it is not at all clear what is really going on.  Still, before the movie is over, Tun will have himself fallen not once but twice off of buildings in the same manner as his friends and, incredibly, the asshole survives both times.  Then, in the final denouement, we get to see just how big a genuine prick Tun really is.  You who crave existential justice in these movies, don't worry, his sorry ass does not escape unscathed.

Shutter is worth a look, suspenseful and creepy as it is.  There are quite a few jump scares and one or two jolt scares, also.  The Asian creators of these films have an eye for not just cheap scares, but for images that are truly unsettling.  Although in the end it would seem that they fall back on these same tricks again and again in other Asian horror movies (ghost movies, that is) and that perhaps a steady diet might tire a person out eventually, I, not a big ghost story/movie fan, haven’t quite gotten to my saturation point yet.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

There is one scene depicting a nature film of the mating ritual of the praying mantis that seems significant in light of later imagery, including another shot later in the movie of a mantis perched on a limb.  What the significance is, I’m not at all sure…unless it parallels the very last image in the film and speaks to who is the victim and who is not.

The Horror Inkwell Rating: 7/10